I remember this coffee date I had once with a girl I met through Hooksexup.
Her photo was pretty cute, black and white, a head shot - no nonsense. Couldn’t really tell much about her body, but she was a pretty Asian chick, probably Filipino, with long hair and nice almond eyes set wide apart. Her profile was as no-nonsense as her photo, just the basics were listed. Stuff about her job, and her friends, the usual.. One warning sign however, was the ubiquitous ‘I like to laugh’ she threw in there for good measure. That line is so lame. Everyone likes to laugh.
Chimpanzees like to laugh.
We decide to meet up at this place called Café Orlin on St. Mark’s between 1st and 2nd Ave. I’ve been there a bunch of times for coffee dates. I arrived on time and took a place near the window, so I’d be able to notice her approaching. It’s a decent place, not too loud and it has a quaffable brew. I ordered one - hot and black - took off my coat and relaxed.
After about 30 minutes sitting with my thumb up my ass, I started to wonder if this chick was standing me up.
Another 10 minutes passed, and just as I was about to head out I notice her walking down the steps. She was definitely pretty. Very well put together, stylish, wearing an expensive tailored coat and carrying a louis vuitton bag. She had her hair pulled back tight and looked quite sophisticated. Still, what really struck me about her was the casually superior air she gave off. It was quite powerful, her whole demeanor seemed entitled and vaguely bored.. Almost like her lear jet had just landed, and she was breezing in to see me before hitting the red carpet. As if I were a nuisance in some way. A pesky obligation.
She instantly irritated me.
We made our introductions, and the first thing she says is that I look exactly like my photos. I assumed that wasn’t a bad thing, but she said it in such a monotone, I couldn’t really tell. She continued on by noting that she’d met a lot of guys that have lied about how they look - especially how short they were. I told her that I was just discussing that very topic with someone (and by ‘someone’ I meant you people).
Anyway, we sort of fell into a bit of small chat, which mainly revolved around her job. This was obviously her favorite topic of conversation. She was definitely someone who defined themselves by ‘what they do’. Seems she works for this famous designer, and every two seconds she’d drop his name. I’m not sure if she was doing it for my benefit or for the other patrons within earshot. It didn’t really bother me all too much. I mean, she’s proud of her job, that’s fine, I’m happy for her. What did bother me was her lazy attitude. It seemed to me like she was just kind of sleepwalking, with not one iota of interest in being there. I’d bring a topic of conversation up, or talk a bit about myself, and she’d stare at me blankly. Complete disinterest. I mean her lack of response was actually bordering on the overtly rude.
I sort of sat back, taking her in, listening to her drone on. She was pretty for sure, but in a very conventional way. Not in any kind of way that would especially impress or arouse me, but I could see how she’d be a pretty hot item for a lot of guys. Especially in a city filled with Asian fetishists.
That’s one of Brooklyn’s main exports you know- Asian fetishists…
On a side note, I can see how it could get to be really annoying for Asian women sometimes. I’ve even noticed in some of their profiles the exclamation : ‘NO FETISHISTS PLEASE’.. Definitely annoying. I mean if a girl was dating me due to her fetish for cranky, cynical, depressive, miserable bastards, I’m not sure how I would take it..
Ahhh.. Who am I kidding, I’d love it..
So it went on like this, her sort of rattling off to me about her job, with about as much spunk as someone reading from the phone book, and me trying to be peppy and affable, and getting absolutely nowhere…
To me, if you commit to the coffee date, you must put forth the effort of being half-way jaunty. That’s the first rule of coffee dating. Be jaunty. It’s not like I ask all that much out of one of these deals, just a smidge of energy, a hint of interest. Anyway, I decided that I really wasn’t all that hot on the idea of continuing it any further and was just about to suggest we part ways, when she said in a flat drone..
‘hmmm.. I kinda wanna eat..should really put something in my stomach, haven’t had a chance all day.. too busy at work’
Now I was stuck for at least another 20 minutes…
She ordered the Lobster ravioli, and another glass of wine – I stayed with my coffee. For the next 15 minutes or so I tried to jumpstart the conversation, but she was having none of it. I mean, it really felt to me as if she were being almost willful. So, I just let her ramble on about her work, as that’s really all she seemed to have any interest in discussing. Apparently she was designing a new line of pajamas for her boss. I got a funny image in my head of adult sized versions of those pajamas you have as a child, you know the footed kind? Then that made me free associate to this early childhood memory… I was in France still, so I must’ve been really young, and I was wearing these footed pajamas I used to love, that had these clocks all over them… I had done something bad, and my mother told me, ‘je vais tu donner un claque’.. I remember thinking what she meant was that she was going to give me a ‘clock’, like the clocks on my pajamas.. Actually claquer in French means a ‘smack’..
She was going to give me a smack.
Anyway, the food finally arrives, and she kind of pokes at it. I think she took one bite and said she wasn’t that hungry after all, and she let the waitress take it away. Now, I’m not cheap. In fact I’m a generous man, to a FAULT. I also think that the man should pay for everything on the first meeting. I was more than happy to, if she had actually eaten it, but she hardly even looked at it and it was pretty expensive. If she had displayed any enthusiasm, or any spark whatsoever, I probably wouldn’t have said anything, but as it was, I heard myself blurt out…
‘You know I’m not paying for that.’
A horrified expression fell across her face as if I’d just struck her upside the head with a wet trout.
‘I wasn’t expecting you to, but you don’t have to be rude’
‘I’m not trying to be rude, but you order this expensive meal, you sit down like you’re bored, you take one bite and have them take it away.. I’m not gonna pay for it’
I started to get that little shake in my voice, you know when the adrenaline starts to flow.. I was actually losing my temper. I think I was just as surprised as she was, especially when I heard myself saying in a slightly raised voice…
‘You have got to be the most insensitive person I’ve ever had the displeasure of going out on a date with…and the most boring for that matter’
She was really shocked, you could tell. She had been all cool, aloof and put together, and now she was completely flustered and stammering, which I must admit tickled me a bit.
‘I’ve never had anyone say anything like that about me before…I thought we were getting along… everyone always says how nice and friendly I am..’
‘Well, I don’t know who these people are you’re speaking about, but they must be completely oblivious, because you are a colossal bore. Take my word for it.’
And with that, I threw some money down on the table and left, leaving her with her mouth agape, searching in her louis vuitton bag for the cash to pay for her lobster ravioli.
I hit the streets, and walked around a bit in order to let the adrenaline settle. Was she crazy? She thought we were getting along? After awhile, I cooled down and felt a bit foolish for letting myself get so angry. Maybe I had misread the entire situation, maybe she had a naturally monotone voice, and was just so low key, it just seemed like she was bored. Maybe she was just trying to impress me… Could I have been THAT far off the mark?? Could she have possibly thought the date was going well??? All I know is, in all my years of dating, I can’t remember a time I just walked out on someone like that. What the hell was wrong with me? Let’s say I HAD read it correctly, and she WAS acting like an ass, it still would have been an overreaction on my part…
The rest of the night, I kept thinking about those footed pajamas with the clocks on them… I don’t really know why.
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Wouldjarather
junk in 'da trunk : the ASS file
Fun with dating confessions
Stay away from my nipples!
wouldjarather?
didjaever?
Are all women gay?
She was an ex nazi but she had spectacular jugs
new years resolutions
bloggerdoodle
are moustaches sexy?
the last 4 people i fucked slipped my mind
the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements
merry xmas
twas the night before xmas
fuckability VS beauty
RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...
blogger doodle
Dancin'.. does it get you hot?
Telling the truth in relationships
How much sex is enough?
The end of jealousy for me
Get that Zeitgeisty look!
Blogger Doodles
Rate THEIR pick-up lines
Older babe alert
blogger doodles
Obligatory posting on cyber-sex
the importance of finding true sexual compatibility
Will you just take my penis in your hand already?
Snark and ass
blogger doodles
5 things I'm thankful for
licking ass and taking names
Snarky and assinine responses
Blogger doodles
The Origins of my cold, black heart
relationship dealbreakers
The different kinds of vaginas
bloggerdoodles
Snarky dating confessions responses
Blogger doodles
I wanna bang your friend
Show me your jugs
translations
Blogger doodles
Is there an expiration date on passion?
translations
bloggerdoodles
crazy pants
used to be cool - zeitgeisty on MTV
hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file
translations...
blogger doodles 3
the gardener and the rose
We fart therefore we are
TRANSLATIONS
Blogger doodles 2
My most cringeworthy moments with women
Are you a sociopath part 2
Are you a sociopath part 1
translations...
blogger doodles
The worst sex of my life
The sex and the city movie was lame
commitment phobia is a myth
Translations...
TYPES
Do.. do women really suck in bed?
The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality
50 sexual expereiences I've never had
Dating COnfessions translations
I'm a breast man... the JUGS file
John McCain makes my peepee go limp
Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.
My dating confessions TRANSLATIONS
My internet dating advice
What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women
All Porn SUCKS!!
The night PAULINA and I discussed sex
How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?
Hooksexup Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!
Sex with someone I love - The MASTURBATION file
The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file
'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file
BITE ME! - Snark.
My first kiss...a remembrance of thing past
Feel the paste in you face - The FACIAL file
Talk dirty to me!!
I abstain! The fear to fuck
The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.
BITE ME!!!
Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file
The brass ring