I lived with a girl for 3 years back in the late 90s.
It was in a ridiculously minuscule smudge of an apartment on 33rd street off of First Avenue - a joyless neighborhood completely devoid of anything remotely interesting. During most of our relationship, I barely left the apartment, as I was catatonically depressed. My musical career was falling apart, I couldn't get my manager on the phone and I was flat broke. I barely had enough scratch to scramble up a cheese danish and coffee in the morning. I could just barely walk the half block to the local deli on the corner, stooped over like a question mark - an old man at 27. The guy there would give me my coffee for free sometimes as he felt sorry for me. I didn't really do much during the day besides watch TV, play Madden on the Playstation or maybe slap my salami if I found the energy.
At night when my girlfriend got home from work, we would usually order in a pizza and a rice ball for dinner. It was from a cheap place, and that's all we could afford. We would eat our food silently in front of the TV, hardly acknowledging each other, except maybe to hand over the salt. By this point, we had stopped having sex and now merely existed side by side, roiling with hostility. Still, we hardly fought.. We barely passed a word between us… and lived just like shadows on a wall.
One morning I woke up and the entire apartment was swarming with little flies. I was practically choking on them. I mean it was terrifying. It was like something out of the Amytiville Horror! I couldn't see where they were coming from, so I sprung up and started scrambling all over the apartment to find the source area. Finally I noticed a major cluster spilling out from the kitchen.
I looked down at the half eaten rice ball from the night before that was still sitting out in the empty pizza carton, and was horrified to discover that it was absolutely teeming with maggots and baby flies. Panicked, and fearing I would be blamed by my girlfriend for leaving the rice ball out overnight, I grabbed some windex and started spraying into the clouds of baby flies. To my astonishment, it actually started to work. The flies started dropping down to the ground where I would then smash them and sweep them into a pile.
They were literally dropping like flies.
I had pretty much cleared the kitchen area, when I spied that they had congregated on the radiator vent over on the other side of the apartment. It was completely covered in a thick black coat of baby flies. I went to town on them, committing mass fly genocide. I emptied an entire bottle of windex and swept them all away.
I gathered all the baby carcasses and maggot infested, half eaten rice ball and threw it all outside. It felt good to be outdoors for a change. I took a walk up my block and inhaled a deep sigh of relief knowing that I would escape my girlfriend's reprisals. She was so sick of me and my state of catatonia that it was oppressive. If she had signed on for the glamour of dating a 'rock star', with the expectation of a life of great wealth and celebrity, well, things certainly hadn't turned out as planned. She still had to work 60 hours a week, I was in a constant fight with the label, and was being sued by my ex-manager for breach of contract to the tune of one million dollars. I was just barely managing to keep my sanity together and I suppose I wasn't giving her what she needed. I think the reality of the situation filled her with a seething rage that just kept building.
Years later, she would exact her revenge on me by selling all my guitars and basses, worth thousands of dollars, not to mention un-estimable sentimental value, while I was away upstate at my parents.
Anyway, I made it one block and had to sit down, I was weary and I was smoking too much. I found a bench and rested for a spell. It was morning and people were busy, on their way to work, leading their lives… I was despondent. I started to think of ways of offing myself. Which would be the least amount of work? I had pretty much decided that jumping off of the GW bridge would probably be my best bet, when all of a sudden I heard the most agonized wailing I'd ever heard in my life…
It was a man, coming from the direction of the hospital on 1st avenue. He was weeping ungovernably. Gut wretching, soul crunching, yelps. I'd never heard a human being go on that way. He sounded like a gut shot dog. I thought to myself, he must've had some bad news at the hospital. Part of me wanted to try and console him, but he looked completely inconsolable, and besides, I'm not sure I'd want a stranger intruding upon me in such an obvious state of blinding grief. Off he went, stumbling down the block, pausing every few seconds to emit a heart breaking sob… I felt shaken, and I temporarily forgot about killing myself.
I got to my feet, and stood for a moment, swaying in a state of vague unease. I wondered to myself if I had gotten all of the little flies. I had used up all the windex, and didn't have any money to pay for another bottle. I thought to myself, I could probably whip up a solution of water and Palmolive and fill up the windex bottle with that if I needed to.
I shuffled my question mark of a body to the end of the block to get my cheese Danish and coffee, I'd think about the baby flies later… Maybe I'd get lucky, and the guy would give me my coffee for free…
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I'm not an ASIAN fetishist
Wouldjarather
junk in 'da trunk : the ASS file
Fun with dating confessions
Stay away from my nipples!
wouldjarather?
didjaever?
Are all women gay?
She was an ex nazi but she had spectacular jugs
new years resolutions
bloggerdoodle
are moustaches sexy?
the last 4 people i fucked slipped my mind
the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements
merry xmas
twas the night before xmas
fuckability VS beauty
RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...
blogger doodle
Dancin'.. does it get you hot?
Telling the truth in relationships
How much sex is enough?
The end of jealousy for me
Get that Zeitgeisty look!
Blogger Doodles
Rate THEIR pick-up lines
Older babe alert
blogger doodles
Obligatory posting on cyber-sex
the importance of finding true sexual compatibility
Will you just take my penis in your hand already?
Snark and ass
blogger doodles
5 things I'm thankful for
licking ass and taking names
Snarky and assinine responses
Blogger doodles
The Origins of my cold, black heart
relationship dealbreakers
The different kinds of vaginas
bloggerdoodles
Snarky dating confessions responses
Blogger doodles
I wanna bang your friend
Show me your jugs
translations
Blogger doodles
Is there an expiration date on passion?
translations
bloggerdoodles
crazy pants
used to be cool - zeitgeisty on MTV
hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file
translations...
blogger doodles 3
the gardener and the rose
We fart therefore we are
TRANSLATIONS
Blogger doodles 2
My most cringeworthy moments with women
Are you a sociopath part 2
Are you a sociopath part 1
translations...
blogger doodles
The worst sex of my life
The sex and the city movie was lame
commitment phobia is a myth
Translations...
TYPES
Do.. do women really suck in bed?
The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality
50 sexual expereiences I've never had
Dating COnfessions translations
I'm a breast man... the JUGS file
John McCain makes my peepee go limp
Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.
My dating confessions TRANSLATIONS
My internet dating advice
What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women
All Porn SUCKS!!
The night PAULINA and I discussed sex
How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?
Hooksexup Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!
Sex with someone I love - The MASTURBATION file
The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file
'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file
BITE ME! - Snark.
My first kiss...a remembrance of thing past
Feel the paste in you face - The FACIAL file
Talk dirty to me!!
I abstain! The fear to fuck
The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.
BITE ME!!!
Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file
The brass ring