That daily knob-less AHG had up the other day got me a thinkin' about penis.
When you ruminate on it, other than religion, penis anxiety has probably caused more bitterness, rage, violence and tragedy than any other factor since the dawn of man. I mean, you just know that Hitler had a small penis. It's historical fact that he only had one ball. Napoleon conquered Russia, and what probably gave him the impetus was his fury at having a miniscule wang. Due to that Corsican's cornichon, untold misery was inflicted on god knows how many Russians!!..
If you look at it clearly, as George Carlin once remarked.. all the missiles, bombs, and bullets.. they're all shaped like penis!.. Coincidence? I think not.
When I was growing up, I hit puberty VERY late... I can still remember the shame I felt in the locker room, when we had to change to go swimming. I was fat as a hedgehog with a tiny little dick-let. I was completely hairless, and I was about 6 inches shorter than most everyone else. I looked like a pasty cupid, all I needed were the little wings and a bow.
I remember there was this kid John Gaetti (I changed the last name here, 'cause I don't wanna make that prick's head swell - pardon the pun), who had the hugest shlong I'd ever seen. I mean this thing was like a python. It would practically drag on the wet tile as he'd horse around the locker room. Seriously, this guy would prance around practically twirling his giant member like a meat lasso. You'd seriously have to duck out of the way to avoid this boy's flesh hose. On top of that, the guy was covered in pubic hair. He was swarthy like the devil. Tufts of darkness leapt out at you from all angles. This guy was masculinity personified.
I loathed going to gym class when we had to swim. It was humiliating.
Then one day, seemingly over night, I looked down and I found a baby's arm swaddled in thick black brush where my microscopic naked peen had been.
Moreover, a few sprouts were even popping up under my arms. I can't tell you what a relief it was. For years, I thought I'd never grow. I'd look at my father's mammoth rod in the shower and ask him if mine would ever be that big, and he'd say in his french accent...
'yes, one day you'll ave a beeeeeeeg deeck like me, don't worry about eet!!!
My father always had a way of putting things...
Anyway, sure enough - he was right. I have to say, that being well endowed is far better than having a shrimp for a penis. I can tell you this, as I've experienced both. You see, it's just one more thing you can cross off the list. One LESS thing you have to worry about and yes it does give one a certain amount of confidence.
I used to have a good friend of mine that had a micro-phallus, that was deeply affected by it. He never got laid because he was too afraid to take down his pants in front of a woman...of course it could also have been that he bore a striking resemblance to John Wayne Gacy... but I guess that's beside the fact. This poor guy lived a life tormented and for what? His eensy weensy peensy.
Women are always complaining of body issues, but it's just not the same thing. The cock is a symbol of power and virility. As men we are brought up thinking that with out a prick the size of the Sears tower, you're somehow less of a man. You hear a lot of women talk about how 'size doesn't matter', but I don't know how many women - after having been poled into oblivion by my gargantuan love pump - have told me about some pathetic guy they once went out with that had a cocktail frank where his knockwurst should have been.
So much for 'size doesn't matter'...
The worst thing about having small penis, is that you can't do anything about it. There really is no operation, or pill, or pump that can really do the trick. This is the key difference when women try to compare 'breast size' to 'penis size' in terms of self confidence. At least a woman can go get her boobs done. Men have no such solution.
In the end, if you think about it, it's all pretty ridiculous. Penis size should not be the issue that everyone makes it out to be. The other night, I was watching an interview with Mickey Rooney on TCM. I was enthralled at this guy's stories, and talent, and the fact that he was still so passionate about his work at his advanced age. It also ran through my mind that this guy must have a petite peen. Well, you know Mickey Rooney is a pretty short guy and all. Anyway, the reason I thought that was due to the realization that all these ridiculous rules we make up for ourselves don't mean a damn thing. Our lives should be built up on more important stuff than the size of our pricks. Look at Mickey Rooney!!... He was the number one star of the whole WORLD!!... the WORLD!!!...
Ok... bigger isn't always better..
mud tacos
My date with airheadgenius and amboabe
Too old to love
50 ways to leave your lover
an old 'crush' reaches out
Snark and ass
plan b and the contingency fuck
spit or swallow
women are cruel
older women
Psychology of the female orgasm
Does HAIR matter?
SEX TIPS for DUMMIES
Patterns in relationships
Love in the time of recession
The MIA phenomenon
Getting nailed with a strap-on
Why smart people can't get laid
Going through old e-mail - revisiting past babes
How I picked up the babes on the internet
If you're hot then it's ok?
Handjobs in Hungary
Striving for consistently decent sex
one year anniversary
bachmann turns my stomach overdrive
dream date
i love ya but i don't like ya
how i met my girlfriend
valentines day
blogger doodles
octomom
sexual pet peeves
date with a transvestite - blogger doodle
sex with ichat
the myth of the bad boy
blind leading the blind
facebook 25 responses
how wet do you get?
my lame attempts at voyeurism
Celebrity relationships
my soundtrack for a broken heart
Shaniqua
100 posts!
Choking on desperation
I'm not an ASIAN fetishist
Wouldjarather
junk in 'da trunk : the ASS file
Fun with dating confessions
Stay away from my nipples!
wouldjarather?
didjaever?
Are all women gay?
She was an ex nazi but she had spectacular jugs
new years resolutions
bloggerdoodle
are moustaches sexy?
the last 4 people i fucked slipped my mind
the indie girl in my office has knowledge of my bowel movements
merry xmas
twas the night before xmas
fuckability VS beauty
RELATIONSHIPS under stress.. Can true PASSION last?...
blogger doodle
Dancin'.. does it get you hot?
Telling the truth in relationships
How much sex is enough?
The end of jealousy for me
Get that Zeitgeisty look!
Blogger Doodles
Rate THEIR pick-up lines
Older babe alert
blogger doodles
Obligatory posting on cyber-sex
the importance of finding true sexual compatibility
Will you just take my penis in your hand already?
Snark and ass
blogger doodles
5 things I'm thankful for
licking ass and taking names
Snarky and assinine responses
Blogger doodles
The Origins of my cold, black heart
relationship dealbreakers
The different kinds of vaginas
bloggerdoodles
Snarky dating confessions responses
Blogger doodles
I wanna bang your friend
Show me your jugs
translations
Blogger doodles
Is there an expiration date on passion?
translations
bloggerdoodles
crazy pants
used to be cool - zeitgeisty on MTV
hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file
translations...
blogger doodles 3
the gardener and the rose
We fart therefore we are
TRANSLATIONS
Blogger doodles 2
My most cringeworthy moments with women
Are you a sociopath part 2
Are you a sociopath part 1
translations...
blogger doodles
The worst sex of my life
The sex and the city movie was lame
commitment phobia is a myth
Translations...
TYPES
Do.. do women really suck in bed?
The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality
50 sexual expereiences I've never had
Dating COnfessions translations
I'm a breast man... the JUGS file
John McCain makes my peepee go limp
Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.
My dating confessions TRANSLATIONS
My internet dating advice
What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women
All Porn SUCKS!!
The night PAULINA and I discussed sex
How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?
Hooksexup Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!
Sex with someone I love - The MASTURBATION file
The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file
'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file
BITE ME! - Snark.
My first kiss...a remembrance of thing past
Feel the paste in you face - The FACIAL file
Talk dirty to me!!
I abstain! The fear to fuck
The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.
BITE ME!!!
Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file
The brass ring